Dear Indian girls,

Recently an incident surfaced where a favourite YouTuber's husband attacked her. The husband turned up drunk, in a public hospital, wielding a sickle. The reason for his anger? Because his wife did not acknowledge him in an acceptance speech.

This is the root of the problem. In the Indian community - we are taught from young - as girls that we are the ones that ‘provoke’ the men to anger. When we raise our voices when we give them the stink-eye when we turn away in anger. We are taught don’t be too smart, don’t attract too much attention, don’t show off your wit. The subordination of women and girls is embedded in all of the advice, the upbringing given to us from very young.

In relationships we are reminded - the wife should not be more educated, more successful than the husband. Even if you earn more than him, you should hand over all of your salaries to him in order to make him feel like he is the head of the house. We can only imagine how much of talent and energy goes into maintaining the fragile egos of the Indian man!

This poor girl - she is one who puts her husband’s name before her own. She works hard from all that we can see to keep a clean home, to cook for her family and to be a good mother and wife. And yet it is never ‘subordinate’ enough. So women - take heart- it’s not for the lack of effort we get anger from the men in our lives.

This is about the men in our community. What standards should we expect from them? How they should behave? How they should treat us? This husband in question is a grown-ass man. He knows that actions have repercussions. He can bite his tongue and hold back his anger. If he chose to. But he didn’t. He could NOT have gone to the hospital with a weapon. But he did. Because he chose to.

Even when I’ve had a few glasses too many and am angry, I don’t take a sickle and go over to have a word with my husband! The reason he did it was because he thought he could get away with it. Let’s not let that happen. Let’s teach our girls they deserve better!

Self-worth and self-esteem are not achieved in a second. In fact, it takes a lifetime to build these. Amma always said - “The world will try to strip you of your self-esteem every single day.” This is especially true for girls who see everywhere the messages we are simply not good enough. Our skin colour, our weight, our shape. When we keep silent. When we talk too much. The way we dress, the way we don’t dress. Whether we are single, married, divorced, widowed. The world and it’s Aunty has an opinion on what we are worth.

So if we have a girl in our house, in our life - what can we do to teach her she deserves the best?

At household levels, we should endeavour to rid ourselves of gender stereotyping of chores i.e cooking is for girls, washing the car is for boys. We can ensure equal sharing of food and time for play. Many girls, especially after puberty, are not allowed to pursue sports or go out with their friends as much as boys are. In some homes, the bulk of the money goes towards educating sons, where possible try to be fair and divide the monies equally. In fact, some very bright girls had to argue with their parents to allow them to pursue their studies in a different state or country - just like their brothers did. If we are talking about equal opportunities in the world out there - we first have to start at home.

Let’s listen to our girls. Let’s teach her that she has a voice and an opinion and she deserves to be heard. Often we call these girls ‘vaayaadi’ and tell them to keep quiet. Let’s hear her laugh out loud - you know the type of laugh that ends in a snort? Without telling her that that’s unbecoming. Let’s teach her to negotiate for what she wants from us. That’s a lifelong skill which will become useful

Let’s let girls taste and enjoy freedoms - even if it scares us when they go away from us. When they come back in the wee hours of the night. When they experiment with life and boys. When they travel with their friends. When they learn dangerous sports like skydiving and mountain climbing.

Let’s teach girls independence - that they can take care of themselves. To run a house by themselves. To earn, to invest, to ensure they can take care of themselves in their old age. They can make good decisions for themselves about work, health, relationships, money.

Let’s give girls the security they can always come back to us if they make a mistake - if they hook up with the wrong boy if they get pregnant if they have an addiction if they get into trouble if they get beaten up if they make a mistake. Let’s tell them they can turn to us in their darkest hour and we will be there to catch them and support them and to be there with them.

And if a girl knows that - then she is stronger and can face this world because someone sent her the message sometime in her life - that she is worthy, she matters, she deserves better.